Do Not Be a "Victim" [Cult Myths]

^{Updated Monday, April 25, 2022 at 10:02 PM.}

If you are leaving something you have known for a long time, the effect on your psyche can be profound. You do not need to have been "brainwashed" or "mind controlled" for it to affect you severely. That is why people who leave loved ones or move to a new city or change long time careers, or get divorced, often need counseling, someone to talk to, to deal with the change. This is normal. A simple part of life.

Humans don't like big changes, and a change or abandonment of religious belief is certainly difficult. Religion is a large commitment, an investment of time, energy, thought, money and emotion. When you leave all that behind without something to replace it, it can seem like it was all wasted and you can suddenly feel taxed.

For those joining a religion, on the other hand, it is easier because they believe they are trading up and they find joy in doing so. They don't view the past as a waste of time, but as a stepping stone to their new reality. The latter trumps the former. This is simply human. It doesn't matter the religion one joins or leaves, whether it is a dangerous cult or a benevolent group, whether true or false religion, it is always the same.

The abandonment of the past is so much worse for the one who leaves what they believe to have been a cult or abusive relationship. Why?

The Victim Perspective

The impact of believing that one was formerly taken in by a cult or abuser, whether such a claim is factually true or not, has the exact same effect either way because they believe it is true, regardless. What the person believes about past events has a profound effect on their psyche. In the case of believing that one has belonged to a cult, their feelings will always be, "How could I have let myself be duped like that? Here I saw all these warning signs that match this list, but I ignored them. Why couldn't I stop myself? How could I believe that this and that were the right choice?" These thoughts will invade that person's mind whether the group they left was factually damaging or not because they believe themselves to be victims.

This is exactly what happens to those joining the Me Too movement. They perceive themselves as victims and suddenly become sensitive to every slight in their past and present. They develop overly sensitive reactions to such slights. Their skin grows thin and their reactions more volatile. Forgiveness becomes unimaginable and foreign. All because of how they view their past and a certain list of identified behaviors that they have become aware of.

Yes, someone who has been branded, tortured, raped, kidnapped, abused or otherwise physically, mentally, or emotionally traumatized, has a right to feel that way, and needs help to find their way back to a healthy frame of mind and learn to forgive. Everyone involved with that person is under obligation to treat them with dignity whether they just left that situation or are still head deep in it. Anyone who treats them worse is just as bad as the cult or narcissist and are themselves inflicting damage.

But people who have a healthier mindset do not view themselves as victims if they were not actually scarred. Instead, they think of it as just another experience. To view oneself as a victim when they are not undermines and minimizes the trauma of those who have actually been damaged by a dangerous or destructive person or cult. It may even cause some to not take true victims seriously when they see the prevalence of those who were not truly damaged.

Cults, Narcissists and the Greedy

But when someone makes another person believe that their past dealings with another individual or group was harmful to themselves and others, even though they were not harmful at all, then that first person becomes the abuser and the person they have convinced becomes their victim. Yes, even an exit counselor who promotes the victim mindset in this way is an abuser. For what purpose? Usually money and job security.

The healthy person does not look for damage, or even for healing, if they were never actually damaged. If they do not feel damaged, they should not be made to look for damage that isn't there. This is not the same as opening one's eyes to the world around them or to new truths. Those things should bring joy, not pain. If a "truth" brings pain that wasn't there previously even though having the same set of facts as previously, then that "truth" is a lie and is in itself abuse.

Now if the damage is apparent to everyone because of the victim's behavior, or comes out during an emotional reaction in therapy, then the cause should be ascertained, and if it leads to events related to their former group, then the victim should be made aware of it in order to address it. Otherwise, there is no damage needing to be addressed.

Everyone who is human, existing in the flesh, undergoes some amount of damage in their relationships. They also dish out damage. That damage in no way indicates a cult or narcissism, but merely highlights human frailty and human imperfection. This simple, accidental damage is not the kind of damage a real destructive or dangerous cult or narcissist inflicts.

The damage they inflict is real, not imagined, not inflated, not a one-off. The impact they have is actually and truly devastating. It is not as though if you squint and shape your eyeglasses in a specific way and cast a shadow you can see where the damage might be. No, the damage is clearly apparent without having to change perspectives, without anyone having to make the victim aware of it.

Love, Acceptance and Kindness

Yes, some victims have to be woke up from their delusion, but not by telling them they are being damaged, but by showing them what a life free from that damage looks like. When they see what a life of love and acceptance looks like, they will be able to easily see the havoc their own cultic situation is wreaking on their life. They do not need to be told what the damage is. It will be plainly apparent to them by contrast.

The message is: do not be a victim if you are not actually a victim, and do not let an exit counselor, disgruntled former member or hater of your group turn you into one. If you have been taken in by one of these people that made you believe that you were a victim of a destructive cult, but in careful hindsight you realize that your former group did not, in fact, abuse you in any way, do not view yourself as a victim of that person or former group. Affected, yes, perhaps even doing you harm with the pretense, but you can choose not to let it affect you by just viewing him or her as a shyster, a thief and a lesson learned. Do not let them make you into a victim any further. Escape the victim mindset and live your life.

So what kind of damage does indicate a dangerous or destructive cult? That is what we will be considering in this series.